Thinking Like a Mediator: Don't Chase the Apology

In many conflicts, people are often searching for an apology. Whether it’s to validate their own feelings, to confirm it 'was all their fault', or to give them that sense of victory, a simple sorry can seem like a magic ‘cure’.

Stepping into the role of a conflict resolver, however, you must never ‘chase’ an apology. While it might seem like such a simple solution, this can actually make things worse.

So why does chasing an apology fail?

• Creates insincerity
  An apology only has value if it is genuine and freely given, without pressure or persuasion from you. Otherwise, it becomes nothing more than a tick box exercise (‘let’s get this mediation over and done with’).

• Compromises neutrality and impartiality
  If you badger or push for an apology, it looks like you are taking sides. Parties might also interpret this as you ‘deciding’ who is right or wrong, which you’re not there to do.

• Further entrenches positions
  Insisting on an apology can cause people to dig their heels in and resist, creating an impasse and making your job even harder! One of the reasons why mediation works well is because agreements are done in good faith, meaning people are more likely to put their shoulder behind it.

 
Instead of hunting for that elusive ‘sorry’, skilled conflict resolvers can use other approaches to help the parties come to an agreeable outcome:

• Manage expectations
  Let parties know at the very beginning that, while mediation is a safe space where parties can speak openly, no-one can be forced into saying or expressing anything. Be realistic as well – they’re probably not going to get the apology that they’re looking for.

• Identify interests
  Use questioning, active listening, and reframing to move from positions into interests. Does the apology represent something deeper that they need?

• Focus on the future
  Stop looking at what did and didn’t happen in the past, which parties are often keen to talk about. Redirect the conversation towards how the relationship can improve in the future.

• Find common ground
  Help parties find shared viewpoints and point out mutual acknowledgements. This can help bridge the gap and start to build rapport between the parties.

Ultimately, resolving conflict isn’t about forcing a dramatic moment of forgiveness; it is about helping the parties get to a point where they can move forward and have a better way of interacting with each other. Hearing the word ‘sorry’ might not be enough.