Thinking Like a Mediator: Don't be a Hero

Two colleagues are locked in dispute with no end in sight. The issue has been going on for several months now: they’re barely talking, their work is suffering, and their manager is at their wit’s end.

The door bursts open and standing in the doorframe, metaphorical cape billowing, is Mr. Mediator. He spends the day with the parties: sorting out the fact from fiction, deciding who’s right and wrong, and helping the parties to come to an agreement. By the end of the day, the problem is now solved. Mr. Mediator has saved the day once again.

Or that’s how people think it goes…

The truth is that mediators do not swoop in and ‘fix’ the issues. In fact, we always say to new mediators, ‘Don’t be a hero’.

Let’s look at Karpman’s Drama Triangle to understand the roles that people may take up in a typical conflict.

Of course, you have the ‘Victim’ (‘Poor me!’) and the ‘Persecutor’ (‘It’s all your fault!’) These are the roles that the parties will inevitably slip into: either trying to gain sympathy from others in the hope that someone will save them, or to try and convince others that the adversary is entirely to blame.

The final role is that of the ‘Rescuer’ (‘Let me help you!’) If the mediator were to inadvertently slip into this role as the one in charge, the triangle is complete, and the drama carries on.

Instead of rescuing, the mediator must accept that they can still be responsive to the parties’ needs, can show concern and be caring, but they do not need to over-reach or to try and solve people’s problems for them.

This approach can be particularly jarring or uncomfortable for those who train as mediators. Typically, delegates who attend our courses will come from HR backgrounds, be senior leaders, or from similar roles where they have spent their whole career ‘sorting out’ problems. They may start to problem-solve without even realising!

It often requires a complete shift in mindset. They don’t need to be proactive in suggesting fixes or advising on how best to sort out the problem: rather, it is about managing the process, creating the environment for a productive conversation, and empowering parties to find their own solution.

And, of course, this plays into the importance of impartiality. This is a key principle of mediation, and, without that neutrality, the process simply wouldn't work. Even Mr. Mediator wouldn't be able to save the day!