Thinking Like a Mediator: Be Yourself

Be Yourself.

It’s a piece of advice we often hear throughout our lives; whether it’s right before a big job interview, an important work presentation, or even a first date. It can often feel a bit generic or, dare I say, slightly cheesy.

It is, however, valuable advice to someone who is stepping into the role of the mediator and trying to resolve a conflict between two other people.

So, what we do mean by authenticity in the context of the mediator?

Simply put, it is demonstrating sincerity, honesty, and transparency, as opposed to ‘putting on’ the character of a mediator.

For example, you may have the notion that, in order to demonstrate your impartiality, you need to appear unbothered or distant. Or perhaps, in order to show that you are helpful and supportive, you are actually being over-eager or just too enthusiastic. It is obvious when these behaviours aren’t genuine, and parties are more likely to shut down and disengage once they suspect so.

On the other hand, when parties can sense your sincerity, they are more likely to persevere with the mediation process in good faith.

At the very foundation of authenticity is the idea of self-awareness: that we have multiple roles or identities within ourselves depending on what we’re doing and who we’re interacting with. You may ‘wear the hat’ of parent, son/daughter, HR, and mediator day-to-day, and it is about being aware of each of these roles and how we behave when in them.

And through self-awareness comes self-regulation. As the mediator, you can choose which roles and traits to apply when engaging with the parties, being appropriately vulnerable in order to better connect with them as people. This helps to build trust not only in you as the mediator, but also in the mediation process in general.

There is, however, a balance to maintain between being yourself and being impartial: being true to your own thoughts, feelings, and emotions, but making sure that these don’t manifest as biases.

Having said that, mediators are not robots and, while neutrality and impartiality are essential to mediation, it is also important to show humanity when dealing with people’s conflicts.